Watching a loved one navigate the emotional turbulence of divorce is challenging. Their whole life just got upended and you may be wondering- how can you go about supporting your friend through divorce? I’ve got you covered. Here are five things you should do (and three things you shouldn’t) when trying to give friends divorce support.
The Dos of Supporting Your Friend Through Divorce
1. Listen
This is the most important element of divorce support. If you are able to do nothing else on this list, sit and listen as often as you can. While your friend will hopefully have a large community to rely on, having as many avenues as possible for comfort is huge. When you invite your friend over or give them a call, give them your full attention. Practice active listening. Avoid offering advice unless they ask for it. Ask follow up questions. Let them know you’re hearing them.
2. Invite Them Out
This piece of advice is especially important if you know they are going to say no. Whether your friend joins you or not is secondary to letting them know there are non-divorce activities available. During a divorce a person can often feel isolated and off-kilter. By inviting them to fun activities and outings, you are showing them there is a good life outside of the turmoil they are experiencing. Keep the doors and invitations open, and they’ll feel the love even if they can’t act on it.
3. Offer Specific Assistance
“I’m here if you need help” is a nice sentiment, but when supporting your friend through divorce, it’s not as helpful as you think. The divorce process is complex and overwhelming. Even if your friend does need help, they may have trouble trying to figure out exactly how you can support them. If you know your friend well, this is a good opportunity to take something additional off their plate by offering specific assistance. This could be offering to cook dinner, pick the kids up from school, run an errand, or make phone calls. Your friend may decline these offers, but as I said earlier- that you offered at all has a huge impact.
4. Uplift Them
Divorce is not a feel-good experience. Even the most amicable divorces come with piles of emotional upheaval. Your friend could probably use some positivity. Keep your interactions light. Compliment them. Tell them how good a job they’re doing- what a good parent they are, how amazing they are. Send them funny emails or pictures. Watch a comedy together. Allow their time with you to be a break from the difficulty of the divorce process.
5. Create Fun Surprises
Does your friend like flowers? Or a certain dessert? Have some delivered to them! Offer to take the kids for a couple days so they can unwind a bit. Book a massage for the two of you. Chances are your friend is not thinking about how they can soothe themselves. Offer them divorce support by indulging them in fun activities. Even better, you are creating good memories with them that will help rewire their brain during this tough time.
The Don’ts of Supporting Your Friend Through Divorce
1. Don’t Judge
This one should be obvious, but just in case here is a reminder. Unless you’ve been through a divorce yourself (and even if you have- check Don’t #3 below), it is nearly impossible to describe how it feels. Your friend is having to make very difficult decisions right now, and they may not be making ones that you would make. That’s ok. As you are supporting your friend through divorce, remind yourself frequently that you are not in their shoes. This doesn’t mean that you should stand by if your friend is making dangerous or destructive choices, but even then offering concern and a listening ear is more helpful than judgement.
2. Don’t Badmouth
No matter how you feel about the soon-to-be-ex-spouse, don’t badmouth them. You may have seen the red flags from a mile away. You may have had a lot of concerns about their relationship, but this is not the time. At best, badmouthing will continue stirring up the negative feelings and at worst, it will come across as “I told you so”. Your friend may want to do some venting or badmouthing of their own, but it is not your place to start that conversation. Instead, start helping your friend daydream about what their life will be like post-divorce. Plan a vacation together or talk about their feelings. Leave the spouse out of it.
3. Don’t Compare
It is tempting to offer your friend divorce support by talking about how things could be worse. Resist this urge. No divorce is the same, and trying to bring up worse situations could promote worry rather than peace. Instead, focus on your friend. What do they need in their divorce right now?
In Conclusion
Divorce is one of the most challenging events a person can go through. If you’re working on supporting your friend through divorce, the best thing you can do is listen. Make sure they know you are there for them as their life has a very painful overhaul. If you or someone you know is starting the divorce process, we can help. At Peaceful Divorce Solutions, we believe there is a better way to divorce- one that helps keep families intact even when they’re in separate homes. Reach out here to schedule a free consultation.
